An
elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police
station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and
tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the
USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"
Officer says "Yes." Little Boy asks "Why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll
get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No,
no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got
into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to
do that for years!"
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting
for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah,
well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window,
and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No,"
the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign,"
the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy
argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to
stop. That's why they're called stop signs." The man
started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's
the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton. "I
can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton.
You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter
in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue
a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?"
the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly
toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist,
"that even He is against me?"
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the
guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long
day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good
excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks
for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with
a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer
trying to give her back!"
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser
with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to
disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove
to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get
off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved,
so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act,
the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well,
how did I do?" Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially
since this is a bus stop."
So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper
writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come
on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?' He ignored me
and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked
Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having bald tires!! So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then
he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about
20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a shit, my car was parked around the corner...
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who
was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to
try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled,
"Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant,
but he's right." "What two days of the weekstart
with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer
that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen
carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked
a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a
minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well,
why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were
waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already
working on a murder case!"
"How
long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked
the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped
out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful
groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up
on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you
don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know
what happened to my boat and trailer?"
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect,
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give
me all your money or I'll shoot." One of them, when it
was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a
small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing
shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous
bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man
asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible
for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be
the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have
ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world
do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the idiot.
"I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near
Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the
ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his
car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his
car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of
his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform
a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he
pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off
the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at
the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated
voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do
you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the
wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't
get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the
guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long
day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good
excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks
for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with
a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer
trying to give her back!
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