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One
day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming
home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially
heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars,
she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store
and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles.
She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens,
gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she
wants and she replies,
"Well,
sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something
to do with hate or anger."
The
owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want
a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color
do you prefer?"
The
lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him,
so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear
of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want
this color sonny."
To
which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't
have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"
"No
son, I want this color."
"But
ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red
one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried
about losing a sale.
By
this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing
things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office
and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the
office from the back door, notices the disruption and
asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The
secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury
like the woman's corn!"
What
would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration
of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
What
quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What
did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
What
protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
What
happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
Why
did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
Why
did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario
when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side
of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car
and the Indian gets in.
After
a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on
the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian
asks the driver.
The
driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for
my wife."
The
Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
A
man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer
looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations
are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally,
we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're
afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But
wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll
stop winking!"
"Really?
Great! Show me!"
So
the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom,
he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows
the pills, and stops winking.
"Well,"
said the interviewer, "that's all well and good,
but this is a respectable company, and we will not have
our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing?
What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well
then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh,
that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into
a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A
man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment. The next
week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake
him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to
Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence,
he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake
me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said...
"It is 5.00am; wake up."
Seen
in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR
SALE BY OWNER
Complete
set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason
for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
8 things you'll never
hear a man say...
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts
are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie
I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to
be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose
Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
We've
all at one time or another given our best try at tongue
twisters, have a look through this funny list and see
how you do...
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Six shiny snails sighed sadly.
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer
could deal dope?
Sheep
shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I
slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet
i slit.
I
wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick
a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She
sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure,
the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does
the wristwatch shop shut soon?
Things
to Ponder:
1. Is there another word for synonym?
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me,
it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still
wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they
do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from
it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Total
immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology?
If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here
are the ten warning signs:
1) You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building
stone they use rather than their food.
2) You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion
of geology, as in:
"What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?"
"I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored
it? Geological Society of America?"
3) The only thing you notice about attractive members
of the opposite sex is the stone in their jewelry.
4) You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions
and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights
of your field vehicle.
5) You like rock music only because it's called "rock"
music.
6) You will try to claw through the water flowing in a
stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base
of the channel.
7) You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic
to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway
is the same type of rock as the side you're parked on.
8) You name your children after rocks and minerals.
9) You're not sure if you have children.
10) You view non-geologists as subhuman.
New prefix
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix
'bim' could be used to create new words that describe
them:
Bimbabble
- noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis
or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract
the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements
for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device
for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally
got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend
ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible
to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than
10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other
blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually
to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Q. Where does bad light end up?
A. In prism.
Q.
What happens when you cut a prism in half?
A. All the prismers escape.
Q.
How do you see through pressurized glass?
A. Press your eyes against it! (Hint: it's all in the
delivery)
Q.
Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
A. Because he couldn't resistor.
Q. How do you know if you're being approached by the Quantum
Mafia?
A. They make you an offer you can't understand.
Q.
‘What do Australian mathematical physicists drink?'
A. 'Castlemaine d/dx 2x squared +c' of course.
Q.
What's an ohm?
A. It's where a watt lives.
An
elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police
station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list
and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives
in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED
in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes." Little
Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with
the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the
Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I
want to know how he got into the house without waking
my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor
at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the
mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow
line, he sat them down and told them, "There are
three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement
of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison,
"Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the
youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an
army recruiter's
office. There were audible gasps around the table, then
some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief
that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come
on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't
really do that, did you?" "You would never get
through basic training," scoffed another. The new
recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just
gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked,
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
Q.
What do you find in a clean nose?
A. Fingerprints!
Q. Did you hear about the kid napping?
A. Yeah, he woke up!
Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!
Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A. Male fraud.
Q. Why only use deodourant under one ar?
A. So you'll know what you would have actually smelled
like.
Q.
How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
A. When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find
her pencil
Q.
What weighs eight pounds and won't be plucked next Christmas?
A. John Denver's Guitar.
Q.
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
A. The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.
Q.
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving
in and out of the lanes.
He
goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need
you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The
man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am
an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma
attack."
"Okay,
fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a
blood sample."
"I
can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,
I'll bleed to death."
"Well,
then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm
sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic.
If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All
right, then I need you to come out here and walk this
white line."
"I
can't do that, officer."
"Why
not?"
"Because
I'm drunk."
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office
Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described
in that time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You
probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related
stress."
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured
out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
A
man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What
kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Brain Exercise
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the
muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep
mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it,
you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
Below
is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence. So take the following test presented here
and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA
candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.
1.
What do you put in a toaster?
The
answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give
up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, "bread", go to question 2.
2.
Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk".
What do cows drink?
Answer:
Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please
do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously
overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you
need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's
World". If you said, "water" then proceed
to question three.
3.
If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house
is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from
pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer:
Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading
these questions? If you said "glass", then go
on to
question four.
4.
Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during
the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing
that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides
on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine
fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in
the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors
- East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer:
You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING
else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue
anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated.
If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed
to the next question.
5.
If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every
minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in
one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees"
or anything other than "one degree", you are
to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously
out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6.
Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from
London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people
get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus
and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off
and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16
people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five
people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three
get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the
name of the bus driver?
Answer:
Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short
enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the
bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received
hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can
have mine."
A
gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies
are present.
A
husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand
why he's not.
A
husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A
husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your
relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than
I like mine."
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free". Here's an update
for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
Pig,
just to get a little sausage...
Shirts must have too much room, look what people have
written on them...
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel
has been turned off.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your
day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound
as they go flying by.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy
decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and
replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
A
few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored
eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
What's in a name?
Hal
Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch (You Bitch)
Hugh deMann (You Da Man!)
Hugh G. Rection (Huge Erection)
Hugh Jass (Huge Ass)
Hugh Mungous (Humungous)
Hugo First (You Go First)
Hy Gene (Hygiene)
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