A
drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win
$10,000; ask bartender for details".
He
asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at
the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a
huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock
him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing
an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth
and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old
hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man.
If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The
drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts
that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the
big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks
to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH,
GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few
minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk
walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders
another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the
hooker with the sore tooth?".
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving
him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The
top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left
of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped
up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights
behind him.
"There's
no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself
and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then
the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?"
he thought and pulled over.
The
cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined
it and the car.
"It's
been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's
Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't
need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me
a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before, you can go."
The
guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week
my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were
trying to give her back!"
"Have
a nice weekend," said the officer.
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in
and out of the lanes.
He
goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you
to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The
man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic.
If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay,
fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
sample."
"I
can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll
bleed to death."
"Well,
then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm
sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic.
If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All
right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white
line."
"I
can't do that, officer."
"Why
not?"
"Because
I'm drunk."
A
drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his
car.
"They've
stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,
even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However,
before the police investigation could start, the phone rang
a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never
mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back
seat by mistake."
Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was
so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that
it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The
challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon
to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop
out of the lemon would win the money.
Over
the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters,
karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky
little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the
bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After
the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only
fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked
up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed
the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4
more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone
looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize
and asked "What do you do for a living that has given
you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A
man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet
you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The
bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone
do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites
it.
The
angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man
walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I
bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the
bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just
saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes
out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays
him his money and he walks away.
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