A
man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the
man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00
am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was
9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was
about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It
is 5.00am; wake up."
Seen
in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR
SALE BY OWNER
Complete
set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason
for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
Social
Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to
apply for Social Security.
The
woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license
to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he
had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was
very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later." The
woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his
shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed
his Social Security application.
When
he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
at the social security office. She says, "You should
have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability
too."
A
mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his
wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The
psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and
so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the
way home.
He
had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The
man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you
to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my
bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The
funeral director," said his wife.
Great
Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
1.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put
them all up there.
4.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out
alone.
5.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature
anyway.
6.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so
that you can tell them apart.
7.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
8.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they
are too old for it.
10.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15.
Sadly, all men are created equal...
On
their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating
it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell
us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful
years with your wife?"
Tom
responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best
teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness,
self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities
you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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