Meaning
of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'
A
young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad,
what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The
father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So
the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The
mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really
use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The
boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The
girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and
I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The
boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of
course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much
a million
bucks would buy?"
The
boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back
to his dad.
His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The
boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting
on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two
hookers
and a future congressman."
A
Teenager is...
A
person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets
a phone number.
A
weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars
before breakfast.
A
youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends
it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone
who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but
not his mother calling from the next room.
A
whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson
but can't make a bed.
A
student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history
exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A
youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have
to study.
An
enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but
is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A
connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A
young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A
person who is always late for dinner but always on time for
a rock concert.
A
romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A
budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A
boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects
the lawn needs mowing.
An
original thinker who is positive that her mother was never
a teenager.
A
man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is
this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No,
you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
On
a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the
parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.
The
elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning
to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children,
18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then
she inquired what I did for a living.
I
told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional
advice.
Instead
she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's
anything you want to know, just ask me."
There
was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before
they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her
husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While
in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person
around to name her children was her brother.
When
the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth
and that her brother had named the twins, she became very
worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure
he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When
she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He
said, "The first one was a girl."
The
mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Brother:
"Denise!"
The
Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second
one?"
Brother:
"The second one was a boy."
The
Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"
Brother:
"Denephew."
Are
You Ready to Have Kids?
Mess
Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub
your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover
the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch
and leave it there all summer.
Toy
Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.)
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This
could wake a child at night.)
Grocery
Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best)
and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always
keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing
Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into
a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding
Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug
swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as
Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the
jug on the floor.
Night
Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00
PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay
down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make
up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set
alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical
Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to
the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10 of the beans.
Physical
Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet
on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed
to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange
for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase
a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final
Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It
will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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