Did you hear
about the two little kids in a hospital who were
lying next to each other? The first kid leans
over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The
second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils
out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid
said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had
that done to me once. They put you to sleep and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O
and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The
second kid then asked, "What are you in here
for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here
for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa!
I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk
for a year!"
A veterinarian was
feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The
doctor asked her all the usual questions, about
symptoms, how long had they been occurring,
etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a
vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by
looking. Why can't you?" The doctor
nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a
prescription, and handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't
work, we'll have to have you put down."
A doctor had just
finished a marathon shagging session with one of
his patients. He was resting afterwards and was
feeling a bit guilty because he thought it
wasn't really ethical to screw his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots
of other doctors have sex with their patients,
so its not like you're the first ..." This
made the doctor feel a bit better until another
voice in his head said, "...but they probably
weren't vets."
Perhaps you've
heard of the man who thought he was dead, when
in reality he was very much alive. His delusion
became such a problem that his family finally
paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The
psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions
trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried
one last approach. He took out his medical books
and proceeded to show the patient that dead men
don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the
patient seemed convinced that dead men don't
bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men
don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the
patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor
said. He took out a pin and pricked the
patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh
my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared
incredulously at his finger... "Dead men do
bleed!!"
Warning Signs
that you need a new Doctor:
- The patient before you was a goat.
- Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
- He has an assistant named Igor.
- The local bar association named him "client of
the year."
- Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes
duck noises.
- During surgery he has to keep repeating that
"thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
- Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out
in his waiting room.
- He asks you to turn your head and cough during
an eye exam.
- You can beat him in a game of Operation.
- All his Medical books are from the Time-Life
"Do-it-Yourself Series".
- He has an office sharing arrangement with a
mortician.
Two men were in
a clinical laboratory. One of them was moaning
badly, the second man asked him the reason why
he was whining so badly. The first man replied,
"I had come for a blood test and they cut a part
of my finger." The second man replied with a
great amount of fright, "Oh no! I have come for
a urine test!"
The doctor comes in and tells his patient he has
some good news and some bad news, the good news
is that you don't have cancer, the bad news is
that you have short- term memory loss. Then the
patient says, "But do I have Cancer?"
Outside a pharmacy, in a busy street, a poor man
is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not
breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle.
He was just standing there, frozen. The
pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front
of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks,
"What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in
here earlier?" Assistant replies, "Yes he was.
He had a terrible cough and none of my
prescriptions seemed to help." Pharmacist says,
"He seems to be fine now." Assistant says, "Sure
he does. I gave him a box of our strongest
laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare
cough."
Four surgeons
are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to
see accountants on my operating table, because
when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered," The second responds, "Yeah, but you
should try electricians. Everything inside them
is color-coded," The third surgeon says, "No, I
really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order." But the
fourth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them
all up when he observes: "The French are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and
ass are interchangeable.
A guy falls
asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a
horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is
promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the
emergency room with second-degree burns. He was
already starting to blister and in agony. The
doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding
with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill
every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded,
said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor
replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
A blonde with
two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor
asked her what had had happened to her ears? "I
was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but
instead of picking up the phone I accidentally
picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh
Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But
.. what happened to your other ear?" "The
son-of-a-bitch called back."
A psychiatrist
was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children... "You all
have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother,
Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the
second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your
obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in
your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the
fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're
leaving."
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