Q:
What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and
a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash
bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash
bin...
Q:
What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!
Q:
What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!"
Q:
What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when
he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
Q:
Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the
beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't
need the sun!
Q:
Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant,
always insist on taking the leftovers home?
A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!
Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern
by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
Teacher:
"Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times
7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
A
mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt
with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine
had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't
worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have
for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead
of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers
that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical
failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our
flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned
off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry
- even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just
means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane
to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If
the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air
for twenty-four hours altogether!"
A
math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy
his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because
he thinks it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to
be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.
His classmate calms him down: "Nobody will be able to
trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names of all
the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on."
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student
hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.
After the deadline, the student asks: "Did you really
change the names of all the variables?"
"Sure!" the classmate replies. "When you called
a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x,
I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log
of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1..."
The
chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of
water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"
The
math teacher asks his students: "What is 9 times 7?"
He gets several answers - all are either 62 or 65.
"Come one - the correct answer can either be 62 or 65!"
"That
math prof's marriage is falling apart!"
"No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's
incalculable!"
A
woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow
on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding
that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."
Theorem.
A cat has nine tails.
Proof.
No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than
no cat, it must have nine tails.
Trigonometry
for farmers: swine and coswine...
Two
math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair.
They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.
The boy says: "It's a sin for those people to keep us
waiting like this!"
The girl replies: "No - it's a cosin, silly!!!"
The
math professor just accepted a new position at a university
in another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all
their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped
off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the
wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has
already left for their new residence.
The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn't rejoined her husband.
When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to
count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn't loose
any of them.
"Thirty nine boxes altogether", says the prof on
the phone.
"That can't be", the wife exclaims. "The movers
picked up forty boxes at our old place."
The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches
39.
The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains.
The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone
calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.
In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone
again, she asks: "I don't understand it. When you count,
you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That's more than
strange..."
"Well", the prof says. "This is a cordless
phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero,
one, two, three,..."
New
York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today,
a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics
teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to
have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with
carrying weapons of math instruction.
Two
mathematicians are studying a convergent series.
The first one says: "Do you realize that the series converges
even when all the terms are made positive?"
The second one asks: "Are you sure?"
"Absolutely!"
"Students
nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains
to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office
hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war
hero..."
It
is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class,
a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need
this stuff in real life?"
The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course
not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers
at MacDonald's!"
An
investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first
round of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates - a pure
mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a graduate in
mathematical finance - are asked what starting salary they
are expecting.
The pure mathematician: "Would $30,000 be too much?"
The applied mathematician: "I think $60,000 would be
OK."
The math finance person: "What about $300,000?"
The personnel officer is flabberghasted: "Do you know
that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing
to do the same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?"
"Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for you
- and $30,000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work."
Statistics
Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are
invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics,
another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his
B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third
plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator,
punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"
In
a speech to a gathering of mathematics professors from throughout
the United States, George W. Bush warned the academics not
to misuse their position to force their often extremist political
views on young Americans. "It is my understanding",
the president said, "that you are frequently teaching
algebra classes in which your students learn how to solve
equations with the help of radicals. I can't say that I approve
of that..."
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