A
best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough
to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A
classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received
hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have
mine."
A
gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies
are present.
A
husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand
why he's not.
A
husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A
husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A
man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A
perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A
son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son.
I'm still paying for it."
A
successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A
toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between
the sheets.
A
wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A
woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband
a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was
he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A
multi-millionaire."
After
a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Always
talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a
phone handy.
As
she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in
a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor:
A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of
pursuit.
Before
marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before
we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in
my pockets.
Confucius
say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's
sink.
Eighty
percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe.
Honeymoon:
A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I
had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with
me.
I
married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
I
never knew what real happiness was until I got married...
and then it was too late.
I
recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I
was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke
it off.
I
was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'm
an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep
the house.
If
you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what
you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If
your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had
to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In
marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's
curtains!
It
doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still
ends up with the same boss.
It's
a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
Love
thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Man
is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man:
Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
Marriage
is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage
is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
Marriage
is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her Master's.
Marriage
is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage
is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage
is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage
is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage
is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the
license.
Marriage
is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
Marriage
means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marry
not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.
Mistress:
Something between a mister and a mattress.
My
darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum,
and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night
and day.
My
wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
My
wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
My
wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
She
offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he
was on her and off her.
Shotgun
wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some
mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let
her sleep.
Thanks
preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer,
4 better, 4 worse!
The
honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll
be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in
the microwave.
The
only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein'
big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where
his wife is wrong.
The
three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
They
say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage,
it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
When
a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Why
did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
Wife
says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better
for a while!"
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