If the house
you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so
immediately.
Never take a bath
or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in
the house.
When it appears
that you have killed the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to
see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at
it until it is in pieces small enough not to be
a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it
again in the head, and remember, shoot till it
stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're
out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more.
Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works
with everything except demons and spirits. Then
get the hell out of there!
If plumbing
fixtures or other structures in your home begin
shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to
leave.
Never read
aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a
joke.
Don't look
under the bed.
Do not search
the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
If trees, TVs,
or other objects try to consume your children,
save as many as you can and then get the hell
out of the area.
If relatives or
pets come back from the dead, don't approach
them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
If inanimate
objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack
you, be prudent, leave the area.
If you've
hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and
you are not found, do not peek from or decide
it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do
decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs
before you take a step.
Never believe
that your companion has truly become
"dispossessed."
It is very,
very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
If your
children speak to you in Latin or any other
language which they do not know, or if they
speak to you using a voice which is other than
their own, shoot them immediately. It will save
you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It
will probably take several rounds of gunfire to
incapacitate them, so be prepared.)
When you have
the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off,
or go in alone. The more people the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by,
the better "your" chance of escape.
Never get into
a car without first checking the back seat for
occupants.
If demons begin
possessing your companions, it's a good idea to
leave the area as soon, and as quickly as
possible.
If your
companions start turning up dead, make yourself
scarce before someone else does it for you.
Worry about funerals later.
If you've just
finished running over the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep
going. Most certainly do not get out of the car
under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is
"really" dead.
As a general
rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open
portals to Hell.
Don't fall
asleep if you have a history of
homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
Never stand in,
on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb,
crypt, mausoleum, etc.
Never stand in,
on, above, below, beside or near a window,
especially those that appear that they would
break easily.
If you find
something that appears to be alive that you
cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it,
with anything.
If you're
searching for something which caused a noise and
find out that it's just the cat, leave the room
immediately or else you will quickly die.
If someone is
in the water and starts screaming and is pulled
under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge
of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are
in a boat, head for shore.
If appliances
start operating by themselves, you are in
danger.
Do not
accept/take anything from the dead.
If priests
won't or can't enter your home, start looking
for a new home.
If you discover
the place you are visiting is known for its
history of mass murders, deaths, freak
accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
If you wake up
from a particularly horrific dream and find
yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake
yet.
If you find a
town which looks deserted, it is probably
deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint
and stay away.
Don't play with
ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board
starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
If supernatural
beings start calling your name, leave the area
immediately.
Never pick up a
hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person,
especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or
Satan.
Don't fool with
recombinant DNA technology unless you're really
sure you know what you are doing.
Make sure that
your weapon is really loaded before you try to
use it.
If your space
ship gets a alien distress signal from what
appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check
it out.
Never put your
back to or lean on a door.
Never take the
dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
Never speak to
clowns in sewers.
Never accept
gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect
that they are really supernatural beings.
If you're
running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature,
expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice,
more if you are female. Do not turn to look
back, if you do, you stand a good chance of
tripping immediately and being killed. If you
turn and look back, and you don't see the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop
and run immediately back the way you came
because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now
in front of you.
If your
companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood,
howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness,
marked resemblance to demons, excretion of
ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo,
flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get
as far away from them as possible.
Listen closely
to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on
around you. Use all resources available,
especially the audience, for on the average,
they are much, much more intelligent than you
could ever hope to be.
Stay away from
certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal
Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you
recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the
Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
Beware of
transvestite doctors that sing.
Avoid secluded
mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum'
in stock.
Beware of
strangers bearing tools of destruction such as
chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed
poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives,
flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm,
grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding
axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive
space modulators.
If you're going to shoot something, in the
immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game
hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
If entering
your craft you put your hand in a kind of
sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was
not there before, turn and run immediately.
If you are in
the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice,
don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it
alone. The alien should be incinerated with
thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon),
otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and
every living thing on earth.
If you are
alone in a house and something calls your name,
leave the house immediately through whatever
exit is in the opposite direction. If there is
no exit, make one.
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