Ways to be
truly offensive at a funeral...
Tell the widow
that the deceased's last wish was that she make
love with you.
Tell the
undertaker that he can't close the coffin until
you find your contact lens.
Punch the body
and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow
that you're the deceased's gay lover.
Ask someone to
take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
deceased.
At the
cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around
telling people that you've seen the will and
they're not in it.
Ask the widow
to give you a kiss.
Drive behind
the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the
undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he
can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a
hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee
cushion under the widow.
Leave some
phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow
that you have to leave early and ask if the will
can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow
to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone
poor who can't afford firewood.
Walk around
telling people that the deceased didn't like
them.
Use the
deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow
for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a
collection to pay off the deceased's gambling
debts.
Ask the widow
if you can have the body to practice tatooing
on.
Put Crazy Glue
on the deceased's lips just before the widow's
last kiss.
Show up at the
funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow
cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her
nose.
When no-one's
looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
deceased's mouth.
Toss a handful
of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
"MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
At the cemetery
take bets on how long it takes a body to
decompose.
Get someone to
call you on your cell phone during ceremony and
pretend your talking to the deceased person.
Goose the widow
as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a
petition to have the body stuffed instead of
buried.
Tell everyone
you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the
coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the
minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a
straight face while praising the deceased.
Write "Best
before last week" on the top of the coffin when
nobody is looking.
Accidentally
sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the
smile off his face.
If its a woman,
spread her legs and write "Dying for a Shag" on
the side of the coffin.
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