If you're going to
go down, go down with style. Failing your final
exam can actually be an amusing experience,
depending on what you make of it. Here are some
suggestions...
- Bring a
pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until
the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez,
better get cracking" and do some gibberish
work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
- Get a copy
of the exam, run out screaming "Andre,
Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
- If it is a
math/science exam, answer in essay form. If
it is long answer/essay form, answer with
numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
- Make paper
airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
- Talk the
entire way through the exam. Read questions
aloud, debate your answers with yourself out
loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO
sure you can hear me thinking." Then start
talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
- Bring
cheerleaders.
- Walk in,
get the exam, sit down. About five minutes
into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I
don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the
deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the
regular guy?"
- Bring a
Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with
the volume at max level.
- On the
answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new,
interesting way to refuse to answer every
question. For example: I refuse to answer
this question on the grounds that it
conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
- Bring
pets.
- Run into
the exam room looking about frantically.
Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the
instructor, say "They've found me, I have to
leave the country" and run off.
- Fifteen
minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all
the papers into very small pieces, throw
them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for
another copy of the exam. Say you lost the
first one. Repeat this process every fifteen
minutes.
- Do the
exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent
markers.
- Come into
the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and
nothing else.
- Come down
with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome
during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
- Do the
entire exam in another language. If you
don't know one, make one up! For
math/science exams, try using Roman
numerals.
- Bring
things to throw at the instructor when
s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person
nearest to you.
- As soon as
the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
- Walk into
the exam with an entourage. Claim you are
going to be taping your next video during
the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the
instructor to expect a percentage of the
profits if they are allowed to stay.
- Every five
minutes, stand up, collect all your things,
move to another seat, continue with the
exam.
- Turn in
the exam approximately 30 minutes into it.
As you walk out, start commenting on how
easy it was.
- Do the
entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam,
spell out
interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
- Bring a
black marker. Return the exam with all
questions and answers completely blacked
out.
- Get the
exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your
papers down violently, scream out "Screw
this!" and walk out triumphantly.
- Arrange a
protest before the exam starts (i.e.
Threaten the instructor that whether or not
everyone's done, they are all leaving after
one hour to go drink).
- Show up
completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at
some point during the exam, you start to
hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring
something up" sounds.).
- Every now
and then, clap twice rapidly. If the
instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very
derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes
on above my head when I get an idea is
hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
- Comment on
how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
- Come to
the exam wearing a black cloak. After about
30 minutes, put on a white mask and start
yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.
- Go to an
exam for a class you have no clue about,
where you know the class is very small, and
the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every
lecture. Fight for your right to take the
exam.
- Upon
receiving the exam, look it over, while
laughing loudly, say "you don't really
expect me to waste my time on this drivel?
Days of our Lives is on!!!"
- Bring a
water pistol with you. Nuff said.
- From the
moment the exam begins, hum the theme to
Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests
for you to stop. When they finally get you
to leave one way or another, begin whistling
the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
- Start a
brawl in the middle of the exam.
- If the
exam is math/science related, make up the
longest proofs you could possibly think of.
Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations.
- Come in
wearing a full knight's outfit, complete
with sword and shield.
- Bring a
friend to give you a back massage the entire
way through the exam. Insist this person is
needed, because you have bad circulation.
- Bring
cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure
this is obvious... like history notes for a
calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and
staple them to the exam with the comment
"Please use the attached notes for
references as you see fit."
- When you
walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
- After you
get the exam, call the instructor over,
point to any question, ask for the answer.
Try to work it out of him/her.
- One word:
Wrestlemania.
- Bring
balloons, blow them up, start throwing them
around like they do before concerts start.
- Try to get
people in the room to do the wave.
- Play
Frisbee with a friend at the other side of
the room.
- Bring some
large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right
next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a
small sacrifice.
- Get
deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons,
telegrams, etc... sent to you every few
minutes throughout the exam.
- During the
exam, take apart everything around you.
Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
- Complete
the exam with everything you write being
backwards at a 90 degree angle.
- Bring a
musical instrument with you, play various
tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it
helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
Handbook with you, challenging the
instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don't forget to
use the phrase "Told you so".
- Answer the
exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why My
Professor Sucks".
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