Two
blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was
nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull
out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it
in.
The
other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"
The
first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and
it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective.
If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The
second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for
the other side of the house!"
A
carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and
asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The
carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half
inches."
"What?
How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the
lawyer.
"Well,
I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured
it!" replied the carpenter.
A
construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when
along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy
Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he
wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able
to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The
first question was, "Without using numbers, represent
the number 9." So Murphy says, "Dat's easy,"
and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What
the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree n'
tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.
Second
question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into
space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der
ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and
says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99.
Murphy says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree,
n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."
The
boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so
he says, "Alright, question three. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100." Murphy stares into space
again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little
mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go
sir, 100."
The
boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this
time.' Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents
a hundred."
Murphy
leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and
says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree,
so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a
turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred,
when do I start me job?
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began
questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes
with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.
They were a motley crew:
The
electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never
charged.
The
carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another
man one time.
The
glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still
claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The
painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The
heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known
to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The
mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The
cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
The
autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently
confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because
it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
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