For all of you who
occasionally have a really bad day when you just
need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take
that bad day out on someone you know, take it
out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a
phone call I had to make. I found the number
and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick
Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that
rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. She had transposed the last two
digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin,
I spotted the wrong number still lying there on
my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I
yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to
his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd
yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer
me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced
caller ID. This was a real disappointment for
me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his
number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up
a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He
went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's
because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this
story, is to show you how if there's ever
anything really bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at
the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going
to leave. Finally, her car began to move and
she started to very slowly back out of the
slot. I backed up little more to give her
plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought,
she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this
black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You
can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely
ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he
didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this
guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of
jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a
"For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.
I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at
my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after
calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now
since I have his number on speed dial.) I
noticed the phone number of the guy with the
black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd
better call this guy, too. After a couple
rings someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the
black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a
yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the
phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to
my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to
be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two jackasses to call. Then,
after several months of calling the jackasses
and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem
some serious thought and came up with a
solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man
answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang
up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better
start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I
hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I
picked up the phone and called the police. I
told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and
that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as
he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13
about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over
to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two
Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter
was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
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