Occasionally,
airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:
"There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
Pilot
- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free
to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane
till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And,
after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
As
the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
After
a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From
a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one,
you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with two small children, decide now which
one you love more.
Weather
at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
"As
you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
"Last
one off the plane must clean it."
And
from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry
...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard
on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it
was the asphalt!"
Another
flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
After
a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.
Part
of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
On
reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee
where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you
cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky
for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When
this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its
glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky
but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed
to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've
asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick
you".
The
next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up
and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For
someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
At
the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for
the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice
on the public address system saying, "We apologize for
the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate
41."
So
my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate
41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us
that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So,
again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the
original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address
voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's
physical fitness program.
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff's
are optional. Landings are mandatory.
Flying
is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed
is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided
with the sky.
The
only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying
is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the
first!
Everyone
knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane
again.
The
probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was
that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn
from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.
Trust
your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be
nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your
next airline.
Any
attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A
pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying,
and about flying when he's with a woman.
Try
to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of
your takeoffs.
There
are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no
old, bold, pilots!
Gravity
never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
Gravity
SUCKS!!
At
a recent software engineering management course in the US,
the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that
your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight
control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat
motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he
would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely
to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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